i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You can't just leave with hair like that
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
