this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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