I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
