I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
