That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
