i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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