Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
