So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
