alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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