I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
