youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
