i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
