im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just forgot I was standing up.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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