First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
