There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
