We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
