i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
is wine microwaveable?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
