I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
