the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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