It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
