dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
