someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
