Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
