You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
