my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
