you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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