You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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