Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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