mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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