dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
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We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
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My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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