you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
