i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
