Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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