Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
