i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
is that a dick in a sweater?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
