tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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