I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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