I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Moan for me like Helen Keller
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
