My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
