my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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