The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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