The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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