and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
