The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You smell like stripper and shame
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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