So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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