i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
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How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
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At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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