Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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