I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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