No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My vagina just recognized that song.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
