at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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