Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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