I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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