Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
