Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
