We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Congratulations! We have a period
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
