Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
