The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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