It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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