i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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