im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
