now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
