when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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