yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
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she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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